Saturday, 27 March 2010

Looking Straight - Being Queer

I woke up this morning, infused with anger, after having quite a vivid dream.

I had been invited to a Queer Ballroom type affair - lots of performances, debauchery, and gigs all wrapped up into one celebration of queer diversity and pride. I turned up with my partner, who in real life is now a queer bio-guy. He has led a mainly straight life, but his mind has been opened up considerably since meeting me, and I can definatly say he is queer without a shadow of a doubt - he is not like other men, and I wouldnt have given up my string of women over a 10 year period as primary partners if he hadnt been different. In any case, in this dream, we saw a group of mates (old timers from school) and ran up to them - shouting 'gaaaayyyy' enthusiastically for some reason, but probably the type of thing we'd do in real life anyways, because that seemed to be the whole premise of the night.

We then entered the ballroom hall, and there was dancing from transguys/girls, stripshows, and also stand up comedy where people were being picked on for pranks and humiliation, all in good faith. For some more charity raising, this very obese lesbian (who reminded me of someone from Emmerdale), started to strip infront of us at our little round table, with a spotlight highlighting us. I really wasnt interested, because I didnt find her maginally attractive, but my partner was holding his cock the whole time through his trousers grinning, as she got compleletly naked and gyrated herself all over him. I kept gestering over in the sarcastic way I usually do when I dont appreciate something, in a 'you enjoying this?' sort of a way, and he rolled his eyes back at me, like he was just enjoying the attention and playing up to the crowd. I thought it was funny. But then I realised this girl was really trying to humiliate him infront of everyone, but I didnt really care because thats the sort of thing you expect from nights like this, and as long as we werent actually made fun out of in a degoratory way infront of the crowds - I didnt care.

I had to leave briefly and go to the ladies, and when I got back, my partner was looking back at me, quite irritated, I asked him 'what happened?' and he replied 'I'm quite pissed off actually.' 'Why?' 'Well, that chick who took off allof her clothes just told me that we were wrong to use the word 'gaaaaaay' out of context around all these other queer people when we were coming in, and although queers appreciate people who are 'different' and welcome diversity, we were being offensive.' 'WHAT??' I grunted. 'Oh My God, I have to say something to that bitch, thats well out of order.' As I said this, the large woman in question came over, and was doing her comic routine. She stood next to us and said 'Now let me tell you a BULLSHIT story about straights...' and gestered at us.

I stood up, and leaned into the microphone.... 'Well, i'd like to talk to you about that actually...' 'Why don't you do that then??' 'Ok, well would you rather everyone heard over the mic?' 'Fuck yeh, this'll be funny!' So I grabbed the mic, and said 'Ok, now let me tell you a BULLSHIT story about people who ASSUME people are straight. For your information, I am queer, and my boyfriend is queer, and I dated women for 10 years of my life. I can't believe you stand here taking your clothes off and making jokes in the name of queer politics, when you yourself are the most illinformed judgemental person I have ever met, enough to ASSUME myself and my partner are STRAIGHT and caused offence to gays/queers earlier. You are a shame to us all, and I hope you are proud of yourself that your attempt to humiliate us by trying to insinuate that we used the word 'gay' out of context earlier, like a white person might use the N word, was completely inappropriate. Shocking. Now try making that into a joke.'

I then woke up, and felt I had to get this all down on my blog before I forgot the dream completely.

Now, its quite an interesting symbolic dream for me, especially with the emotions I had when I woke up. I have dealt with people my whole life judging me from the straight world for being queer, and ridiculed in the street for holding hands with transguys/girlfriends etc. But now, I find myself being able to kiss my partner in the street, hold his hand in public, and show affection without being taunted.... and there is no act of rebellion in it. No message. Infact, I feel the message is sadder, because it has taken me dating women for 10 years to see that society leaves you alone when you look and act straight- theres nothing 'wrong' if you're straight. It's not something i'm used to. And i'm not straight, I just 'look' straight, which infuriates me in some ways, as it strips me of some of my identity. A part of my queer femme self has been angered by this feeling - not being looked at in the street, not being whispered about, not feeling like I am doing my bit to disprove the watching public that queer people are disgusting, is kind of upsetting. Instead, I actually feel like I am more 'queer' than ever.

It's an interesting issue.

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