Well... I am having an excellent time living as myself right now...
Wandering through scenes that might have only been in my fantasies this time three years ago...
Walking through bedrooms in other's houses watching a mess of bodies fluidly embrace each other...
Wading through my lists of costumes I have to construct/purchase every month...
It's an utter delight.
I am especially proud to be part of the Crew that supports the upkeep of After Pandora and Kinky Salon respectively.
Never have I met such Wonderful Queer OpenMinded People - people who want to make a different space to the ones offered in the mainstream Kink World, to have a space where people can express themselves liberally and positively. It fills me with joy and pride every time I attend one of these events. It also fills me with beautiful memories the next morning when I wake with my boyfriend in my arms... with the smell of bodies lingering on my skin, and the warmth of my new friendships somehow making my love for this world and my boyfriend's stronger than ever.
Recently, I played with a close friend. I was amazed by how submissive I was with him. Initially, I felt a little worried when we had arranged it, as even though I trust him, I did not really know of his strengths and weaknesses in this area.
But it blew me away - having the Breast Bondage done and being blindfolded and lead around the room by ropes from my chest by him was possibly one of the kinkiest and subby-est moment of my life to date. I felt so vulnerable in my pvc heels, teetering around the room, stumbling and being caught as I drifted across floorboards under his command. I was left in a dreamlike state for hours afterwards in his living room, with cuts and bruises on my back from my beatings - and a grin from ear to ear.
I have also found out that my boyfriend is flourishing in these environments. Its beautiful to see him blossom and our trust for each other grow into something exquisite. One evening recently, at a Japanese Themed event at AP, he literally went up to a beautifully curvy and sexy lady, and told her that I was 'too shy' to ask her to play with me... OMG! That moment alone, those words from his mouth meant more to me than he will ever fully understand. And the play... well, that was unforgettable too.
So, heres to looking forward to the next Kinky Salon London, the next party in line.
My costume is ready and waiting, and I know this one is going to be mega special to see out the year 2010.
xxx Miss Matrix. xxx
Wednesday 1 December 2010
Friday 2 July 2010
Performance Art
I have been an animator/film maker/editor my whole life - and never really felt that I could take being infront of the camera.
But, recently, I've had a few comments from performance artists and friends who don't neccessarily agree with my ethos.
Firstly, I created a video where I had acted out a song with two versions of myself - man and woman - interacting with each other about 3 weeks ago, and then putting both shots on the screen simultaneously to give the illusion 'we' were 'both' there at the same time. I had to act to a degree within this video, and have had lots of positive feedback. Also, I make a series of sketches with some likeminded funny friends, and never act infront of the camera, but decided this time that I would try and not laugh while delivering an idea I had for a sketch. It worked rather well - and again, lots of positive compliments.
Then, I made the below video, and I would say this is my first stab at performance art, which I am rather proud of.
This got me thinking... perhaps I need to venture out into performance, as well as being behind the scenes? As a child, I'd always been angry with the decision of my teachers not to allow me to do both Art AND Drama as options as secondary school, as they were both 'art' subjects (arseholes), so I never got to fully spread my wings with acting/dance, and instead concentrated on my artwork all the way to University.
I would like to do the following things, and really put my heart into them, so if anyone has any ventures involving Burlesque, Performance Art or some degree of DIY Acting or Queer Porn, please get in contact with me.
In the mean time, i'll be trying to deduce my own ideas to play with, and carry on filming myself...
But, recently, I've had a few comments from performance artists and friends who don't neccessarily agree with my ethos.
Firstly, I created a video where I had acted out a song with two versions of myself - man and woman - interacting with each other about 3 weeks ago, and then putting both shots on the screen simultaneously to give the illusion 'we' were 'both' there at the same time. I had to act to a degree within this video, and have had lots of positive feedback. Also, I make a series of sketches with some likeminded funny friends, and never act infront of the camera, but decided this time that I would try and not laugh while delivering an idea I had for a sketch. It worked rather well - and again, lots of positive compliments.
Then, I made the below video, and I would say this is my first stab at performance art, which I am rather proud of.
This got me thinking... perhaps I need to venture out into performance, as well as being behind the scenes? As a child, I'd always been angry with the decision of my teachers not to allow me to do both Art AND Drama as options as secondary school, as they were both 'art' subjects (arseholes), so I never got to fully spread my wings with acting/dance, and instead concentrated on my artwork all the way to University.
I would like to do the following things, and really put my heart into them, so if anyone has any ventures involving Burlesque, Performance Art or some degree of DIY Acting or Queer Porn, please get in contact with me.
In the mean time, i'll be trying to deduce my own ideas to play with, and carry on filming myself...
Friday 25 June 2010
Girls... girls... girls...?
Ok, so recently I got to thinking about why I had been with women exclusively for ten years, and why this is now my first boyfriend.
This thought was born out of a conversation between my partner and I, after we'd established my last two relationships were communication car-crashes.
I explained to him that since I was a young girl, i'd observed that other girls seemed to have all the qualities I longed for in a partner - affectionate, sensitive, laidback, creative, expressing their personalities openly etc. That, and they had killer bodies.
I said as I grew up, I thought all men were (generally speaking) the same. (NB, this was a teenage thought, roughly 15 years old.). I'd seen men being macho, intimidating, insensitive, demanding, opressing, sometimes aggressive, and this all scared me. Frankly - penis's did too.
So I had started on a journey looking for these qualities that I thought I would only find in women, but actually ended up being with two women who were very masculine... and although I found them extremely attractive, didn't like the mannerisms of men that they tried to emulate (and often overcompensate for).
Respectively, it took for me to be with women for ten years to find out that all men aren't as bad as I had initially thought. My boyfriend holds all the listed qualities of the above perfect women for me, and he's not gay.
Fuck stereotypes.
(But i'm still 80% into women... come on men, i'd be mad not to hey!!!)
This thought was born out of a conversation between my partner and I, after we'd established my last two relationships were communication car-crashes.
I explained to him that since I was a young girl, i'd observed that other girls seemed to have all the qualities I longed for in a partner - affectionate, sensitive, laidback, creative, expressing their personalities openly etc. That, and they had killer bodies.
I said as I grew up, I thought all men were (generally speaking) the same. (NB, this was a teenage thought, roughly 15 years old.). I'd seen men being macho, intimidating, insensitive, demanding, opressing, sometimes aggressive, and this all scared me. Frankly - penis's did too.
So I had started on a journey looking for these qualities that I thought I would only find in women, but actually ended up being with two women who were very masculine... and although I found them extremely attractive, didn't like the mannerisms of men that they tried to emulate (and often overcompensate for).
Respectively, it took for me to be with women for ten years to find out that all men aren't as bad as I had initially thought. My boyfriend holds all the listed qualities of the above perfect women for me, and he's not gay.
Fuck stereotypes.
(But i'm still 80% into women... come on men, i'd be mad not to hey!!!)
The Queer Scene... After Pandora and Kinky Salon
Hello world.
It's been a while.
I am here to announce I am one happy queer femme - with my boyfriend, and also my involvement in two different queer play party's - full of performers, creatives, visual designers, singers, pretty boys and girls and intellectuals.
I have had a full year's break from 'the scene' in general - all the fetish clubs which seemed so competitive to me, since i'd broken up with my last partner. I was sick of being told I wasn't a 'proper submissive' in clubs i'd been to before, and also sick of seeing a 'really good domininatrix' being dubbed as 'good' purely on her being really cruel - rather than based on her skill. I am now happy to have started a clean page, and bring my also new clean slate of a vanilla boyfriend to explore this new laidback, fun and creative scene as we explore it fresh together.
These two places in particular are being held dear to my heart. It has injected a new enthusiasm into my veins, and made me realise that there wasn't only the mainstream fetish scene in my immediate grasp. There is somewhere I can go where sex and play doesn't need to be heady and serious, competitive or like a porno and full of ideals - but where it can be playful, interesting, unique and friendship forming. I loved the idea of having a social beforehand... meeting and greeting and flirting with the crew who will attend. This made it more comfortable and intimate for me - even though it was something that made me so nervous in the beginning, being used to a faceless crowd of people I didn't know and didn't care about. I have formed strong bonds with some of the gang, and even helped out on a few occasions making me feel like i'm really part of something.
My boyfriend also enjoys himself there, and I am wishing that I was introduced to the scene in the nice gentle way that he was... not that i'm jealous or anything. ;)
Long live After Pandora and Kinky Salon... !
http://afterpandora.com/
http://kinkysalonlondon.co.uk/
It's been a while.
I am here to announce I am one happy queer femme - with my boyfriend, and also my involvement in two different queer play party's - full of performers, creatives, visual designers, singers, pretty boys and girls and intellectuals.
I have had a full year's break from 'the scene' in general - all the fetish clubs which seemed so competitive to me, since i'd broken up with my last partner. I was sick of being told I wasn't a 'proper submissive' in clubs i'd been to before, and also sick of seeing a 'really good domininatrix' being dubbed as 'good' purely on her being really cruel - rather than based on her skill. I am now happy to have started a clean page, and bring my also new clean slate of a vanilla boyfriend to explore this new laidback, fun and creative scene as we explore it fresh together.
These two places in particular are being held dear to my heart. It has injected a new enthusiasm into my veins, and made me realise that there wasn't only the mainstream fetish scene in my immediate grasp. There is somewhere I can go where sex and play doesn't need to be heady and serious, competitive or like a porno and full of ideals - but where it can be playful, interesting, unique and friendship forming. I loved the idea of having a social beforehand... meeting and greeting and flirting with the crew who will attend. This made it more comfortable and intimate for me - even though it was something that made me so nervous in the beginning, being used to a faceless crowd of people I didn't know and didn't care about. I have formed strong bonds with some of the gang, and even helped out on a few occasions making me feel like i'm really part of something.
My boyfriend also enjoys himself there, and I am wishing that I was introduced to the scene in the nice gentle way that he was... not that i'm jealous or anything. ;)
Long live After Pandora and Kinky Salon... !
http://afterpandora.com/
http://kinkysalonlondon.co.uk/
Saturday 27 March 2010
Looking Straight - Being Queer
I woke up this morning, infused with anger, after having quite a vivid dream.
I had been invited to a Queer Ballroom type affair - lots of performances, debauchery, and gigs all wrapped up into one celebration of queer diversity and pride. I turned up with my partner, who in real life is now a queer bio-guy. He has led a mainly straight life, but his mind has been opened up considerably since meeting me, and I can definatly say he is queer without a shadow of a doubt - he is not like other men, and I wouldnt have given up my string of women over a 10 year period as primary partners if he hadnt been different. In any case, in this dream, we saw a group of mates (old timers from school) and ran up to them - shouting 'gaaaayyyy' enthusiastically for some reason, but probably the type of thing we'd do in real life anyways, because that seemed to be the whole premise of the night.
We then entered the ballroom hall, and there was dancing from transguys/girls, stripshows, and also stand up comedy where people were being picked on for pranks and humiliation, all in good faith. For some more charity raising, this very obese lesbian (who reminded me of someone from Emmerdale), started to strip infront of us at our little round table, with a spotlight highlighting us. I really wasnt interested, because I didnt find her maginally attractive, but my partner was holding his cock the whole time through his trousers grinning, as she got compleletly naked and gyrated herself all over him. I kept gestering over in the sarcastic way I usually do when I dont appreciate something, in a 'you enjoying this?' sort of a way, and he rolled his eyes back at me, like he was just enjoying the attention and playing up to the crowd. I thought it was funny. But then I realised this girl was really trying to humiliate him infront of everyone, but I didnt really care because thats the sort of thing you expect from nights like this, and as long as we werent actually made fun out of in a degoratory way infront of the crowds - I didnt care.
I had to leave briefly and go to the ladies, and when I got back, my partner was looking back at me, quite irritated, I asked him 'what happened?' and he replied 'I'm quite pissed off actually.' 'Why?' 'Well, that chick who took off allof her clothes just told me that we were wrong to use the word 'gaaaaaay' out of context around all these other queer people when we were coming in, and although queers appreciate people who are 'different' and welcome diversity, we were being offensive.' 'WHAT??' I grunted. 'Oh My God, I have to say something to that bitch, thats well out of order.' As I said this, the large woman in question came over, and was doing her comic routine. She stood next to us and said 'Now let me tell you a BULLSHIT story about straights...' and gestered at us.
I stood up, and leaned into the microphone.... 'Well, i'd like to talk to you about that actually...' 'Why don't you do that then??' 'Ok, well would you rather everyone heard over the mic?' 'Fuck yeh, this'll be funny!' So I grabbed the mic, and said 'Ok, now let me tell you a BULLSHIT story about people who ASSUME people are straight. For your information, I am queer, and my boyfriend is queer, and I dated women for 10 years of my life. I can't believe you stand here taking your clothes off and making jokes in the name of queer politics, when you yourself are the most illinformed judgemental person I have ever met, enough to ASSUME myself and my partner are STRAIGHT and caused offence to gays/queers earlier. You are a shame to us all, and I hope you are proud of yourself that your attempt to humiliate us by trying to insinuate that we used the word 'gay' out of context earlier, like a white person might use the N word, was completely inappropriate. Shocking. Now try making that into a joke.'
I then woke up, and felt I had to get this all down on my blog before I forgot the dream completely.
Now, its quite an interesting symbolic dream for me, especially with the emotions I had when I woke up. I have dealt with people my whole life judging me from the straight world for being queer, and ridiculed in the street for holding hands with transguys/girlfriends etc. But now, I find myself being able to kiss my partner in the street, hold his hand in public, and show affection without being taunted.... and there is no act of rebellion in it. No message. Infact, I feel the message is sadder, because it has taken me dating women for 10 years to see that society leaves you alone when you look and act straight- theres nothing 'wrong' if you're straight. It's not something i'm used to. And i'm not straight, I just 'look' straight, which infuriates me in some ways, as it strips me of some of my identity. A part of my queer femme self has been angered by this feeling - not being looked at in the street, not being whispered about, not feeling like I am doing my bit to disprove the watching public that queer people are disgusting, is kind of upsetting. Instead, I actually feel like I am more 'queer' than ever.
It's an interesting issue.
I had been invited to a Queer Ballroom type affair - lots of performances, debauchery, and gigs all wrapped up into one celebration of queer diversity and pride. I turned up with my partner, who in real life is now a queer bio-guy. He has led a mainly straight life, but his mind has been opened up considerably since meeting me, and I can definatly say he is queer without a shadow of a doubt - he is not like other men, and I wouldnt have given up my string of women over a 10 year period as primary partners if he hadnt been different. In any case, in this dream, we saw a group of mates (old timers from school) and ran up to them - shouting 'gaaaayyyy' enthusiastically for some reason, but probably the type of thing we'd do in real life anyways, because that seemed to be the whole premise of the night.
We then entered the ballroom hall, and there was dancing from transguys/girls, stripshows, and also stand up comedy where people were being picked on for pranks and humiliation, all in good faith. For some more charity raising, this very obese lesbian (who reminded me of someone from Emmerdale), started to strip infront of us at our little round table, with a spotlight highlighting us. I really wasnt interested, because I didnt find her maginally attractive, but my partner was holding his cock the whole time through his trousers grinning, as she got compleletly naked and gyrated herself all over him. I kept gestering over in the sarcastic way I usually do when I dont appreciate something, in a 'you enjoying this?' sort of a way, and he rolled his eyes back at me, like he was just enjoying the attention and playing up to the crowd. I thought it was funny. But then I realised this girl was really trying to humiliate him infront of everyone, but I didnt really care because thats the sort of thing you expect from nights like this, and as long as we werent actually made fun out of in a degoratory way infront of the crowds - I didnt care.
I had to leave briefly and go to the ladies, and when I got back, my partner was looking back at me, quite irritated, I asked him 'what happened?' and he replied 'I'm quite pissed off actually.' 'Why?' 'Well, that chick who took off allof her clothes just told me that we were wrong to use the word 'gaaaaaay' out of context around all these other queer people when we were coming in, and although queers appreciate people who are 'different' and welcome diversity, we were being offensive.' 'WHAT??' I grunted. 'Oh My God, I have to say something to that bitch, thats well out of order.' As I said this, the large woman in question came over, and was doing her comic routine. She stood next to us and said 'Now let me tell you a BULLSHIT story about straights...' and gestered at us.
I stood up, and leaned into the microphone.... 'Well, i'd like to talk to you about that actually...' 'Why don't you do that then??' 'Ok, well would you rather everyone heard over the mic?' 'Fuck yeh, this'll be funny!' So I grabbed the mic, and said 'Ok, now let me tell you a BULLSHIT story about people who ASSUME people are straight. For your information, I am queer, and my boyfriend is queer, and I dated women for 10 years of my life. I can't believe you stand here taking your clothes off and making jokes in the name of queer politics, when you yourself are the most illinformed judgemental person I have ever met, enough to ASSUME myself and my partner are STRAIGHT and caused offence to gays/queers earlier. You are a shame to us all, and I hope you are proud of yourself that your attempt to humiliate us by trying to insinuate that we used the word 'gay' out of context earlier, like a white person might use the N word, was completely inappropriate. Shocking. Now try making that into a joke.'
I then woke up, and felt I had to get this all down on my blog before I forgot the dream completely.
Now, its quite an interesting symbolic dream for me, especially with the emotions I had when I woke up. I have dealt with people my whole life judging me from the straight world for being queer, and ridiculed in the street for holding hands with transguys/girlfriends etc. But now, I find myself being able to kiss my partner in the street, hold his hand in public, and show affection without being taunted.... and there is no act of rebellion in it. No message. Infact, I feel the message is sadder, because it has taken me dating women for 10 years to see that society leaves you alone when you look and act straight- theres nothing 'wrong' if you're straight. It's not something i'm used to. And i'm not straight, I just 'look' straight, which infuriates me in some ways, as it strips me of some of my identity. A part of my queer femme self has been angered by this feeling - not being looked at in the street, not being whispered about, not feeling like I am doing my bit to disprove the watching public that queer people are disgusting, is kind of upsetting. Instead, I actually feel like I am more 'queer' than ever.
It's an interesting issue.
Wednesday 24 March 2010
I Love You Philip Morris
When i started seeing the adverts strewn all over the sides of London buses, all I could think of was 'I love You Jim Carrey,' and couldnt care less what the film was going to be about to be honest- I was prepared to go and spend my money on his credentials alone - being a big fan.
So imagine my suprise when I find out that this film is a HOM - COM!
Wow, a new genre perhaps?? A new concept? Rarely had I seen, if ever, a film which looked at Homosexuality in anything other than a deep, emotional, dramatic light. To deal with this issue lightheartedley made me think 'my god, society has changed.' So i hopped, skipped and jumped to my local picture house, hoping that this film was going to be a diamond in the rough.
And BOY I wasn't disappointed!
I wont spoil anything here - because the story itself is impeccable and awesome -
Jim Carrey plays a con-man who likes to escape prison and make money anyway he can.
Ewan McGregor plays a coy shy guy who doesnt like to get into any trouble.
Oh yeah, and they're gay lovers.
What is remarkably beautiful about this film is that they play this soooo well. Especially and suprisingly - Ewan is amazingly believable, soft and genuine with his character. They kiss, they show affection, they display unconditional love for each other, all without the usually identifiable stereotypes of being 'camp' or OTT. It was very brave for two straight actors to approach this role with such panache and plausability, enough for you to be carried through the story totally engrossed in their roles. It was believable, goregously performed, and one of my favourite films of 2010.
Go see it, girls guys and queers. You won't regret it.
So imagine my suprise when I find out that this film is a HOM - COM!
Wow, a new genre perhaps?? A new concept? Rarely had I seen, if ever, a film which looked at Homosexuality in anything other than a deep, emotional, dramatic light. To deal with this issue lightheartedley made me think 'my god, society has changed.' So i hopped, skipped and jumped to my local picture house, hoping that this film was going to be a diamond in the rough.
And BOY I wasn't disappointed!
I wont spoil anything here - because the story itself is impeccable and awesome -
Jim Carrey plays a con-man who likes to escape prison and make money anyway he can.
Ewan McGregor plays a coy shy guy who doesnt like to get into any trouble.
Oh yeah, and they're gay lovers.
What is remarkably beautiful about this film is that they play this soooo well. Especially and suprisingly - Ewan is amazingly believable, soft and genuine with his character. They kiss, they show affection, they display unconditional love for each other, all without the usually identifiable stereotypes of being 'camp' or OTT. It was very brave for two straight actors to approach this role with such panache and plausability, enough for you to be carried through the story totally engrossed in their roles. It was believable, goregously performed, and one of my favourite films of 2010.
Go see it, girls guys and queers. You won't regret it.
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