Relationships - Open or Closed?

I am a woman who likes relationships.

I love all sorts. Friendships, monogamous relationships, open relationships, casual relationships.
I particulary like relationships which are committed, yet slightly open... to the degree that there is a loving respectful relationship between a couple, and also room to invite others into that wonderous equilibrium and enjoy the experience as well as giving each other the freedom to enjoy negotiated sex with others. Yes... its fucking hard work. But... the efforts are rewarding.

At best, this sort of model relationship, for me, has been exciting, varied, on the edge (emotionally as well as physically), sexually diverse, enagaging with various sexualities, genders, cross/transgenders, and with pain and pleasure beautifully blending into one sensation at times. It has been fulfilling, fun, intense, heightened, spiritual, empowering, and has brought me closer to my partner. Group sex does this for me particulary, as both sides of the relationship are balanced, respected, and brought together in a sexual unity. This is pure love and trust.

At worst, this sort of model relationship has brought pain, neglect, paranoia, jealousy, disrespect, and bringing with it arguements and certain lack of priorities. This is generally associated with the other side of the 'open relationship coin' - 1 on 1 sex outside of the primary relationship. When sex with other people is clearly negotiated, communicated, reassured and planned - my mind is at rest- I know it's just sex, and not a taken opportunity with no regard for consequence. I can know in my heart and my head that my partner has taken my state of mind and respect fully into his/her consideration, and I will generally let that
1 on 1 situation happen on that occassion. But when the sex is unplanned, due to a drunken escapade, or drug influenced, or just seen as an opportunity when i'm not present, then I see that as something disrespectful to the commitment of the relationship.

I dont see this as an idealist point of view. I call this consideration, and a balance.

This works for me, and may also work for other people. Communicating clearly and consisely sometimes is also a sort of foreplay for me. I could talk with my partner about the would be
1 on 1 sex situation, if eiether of us was to play away, and get off on the idea that one of us was going to go and have a wild evening with somebody who respected our relationship. However,
1 on 1 is not something I can allow very often, as otherwise it becomes too accessible/easy. It could be concentrated on, instead of our own sex life (which is of paramount importance to me), and become the main focus. The option of outside sex is there to heighten it, NOT to be an alternative to it. Otherwise, you might as well be single... This rings true especially if one of us is in a situation with a group of friends where the sex could all too well be accessible. If this occurs over a drunken night with somebody else, I feel like a broken housewife who's husband has rammed his cock in another woman he met in some bar with a few whiskies, after saying he was doing overtime at work. Well, thats how it feels.

I'm not a jealous woman at all. My problem is that I get volatile when somebody takes the piss out of me. I am strong and focused, and always stick to my plans and promises to others, so am a fiery femme when somebody takes advantage of that. I dont like to be treated badly, so I give out what I want to recieve. I let people lead by example. Arguements tend to rise out of lack of communication, or bad last minute decisions, or situations occuring from being intoxicated. I just dont like being sidelined, or lied to. Who does?

Dont get me wrong - I have looked for partners who want the same model relationship as me. I am not forcing this on anybody. I am not 'lost' without a relationship, but unlike a lot of single one night stand obsessed kinds, I like the caring, committed, open and honest aspects of being in a committed relationship. Some gay men have insinuated recently that I am of a weaker character because I like to be in relationships, but I disagree with them. That is my lifestyle choice. Infact, I was very offended.

My greatest quote is...

'The greatest thing youll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.'

I see nothing wrong with my wanting a relationship with somebody. I see it being a better lifestyle choice than some of the scene whores I see scouting the pavements of Soho, looking for the next Friday Fuck. My decision is my choice, and nobody has the right to say I am of a weaker disposition just because I want commitment. It's not like i'm asking for pure downright monogamy. I quite happen to like coming home to somebody I love, having a cuddle, seeing our own/joint friends eiether together/seperatley, and also having a profound deep and meaningful connection together. I LIVE for that feeling. Its better than heroin, or any other drug for that matter. Closeness is the breath of life. Its to feel human.

Nevertheless, I am facing problems at the moment with the concept of 1 on 1 sex. If it happens without my persmission, do I just break up with the partner whose broken my trust? Do I listen to their 'just' reasons for why it happened, and try again on the basis that they won't ever lie to me again? Are they simply 'acting up' (as one of my friends put it) to make it easier for me to finish with them, after perhaps realising that they want something/somebody else out of life, other than me? Do I let go after the years we have spent together, and accept that they are withholding information from me about their true desires, and realise that ive wasted years of love and affection with somebody I believed with my heart and soul was in it for the long term, or do I try and make it work? Is having 1 on 1 sex the beginning of the end, for a relationship which is already seemingly in difficulty? Do I just give up, or do I carry on?

Answers on a postcard please...